Loving Others as We Learn to Love Ourselves

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “To love others, we must first love ourselves.” And in some ways, I guess this is true. If we were to walk around despising ourselves, we wouldn’t be of much use to anyone else and we certainly wouldn’t be able to offer any sort of compassion, tenderness, or love. But the following has made me rethink this idea.

I’ve been reading, The Little Book of Letting Go, by Hugh Prather. It’s a very insightful book that explains how to free our minds from things such as worry and conflict, and it outlines a 30-day program with useful exercises to help achieve this. The other day, I read the following passage:

“Even when you pray, if you pray without love or connection, you may have a temporary sense of peace, but you will not touch the eternal peace within your heart. There is no kindness in first thinking of yourself, then trying to be kind to yourself alone. Love is not an act of isolation, and “loving yourself first” is not a step toward happiness. Your will never satisfactorily nurture just your own wounds or your own needs, because those concepts include no unity. Only what joins us to another can make us happy.”

I thought for a while after reading this and understood exactly what he was saying. No amount of praying, meditation, visualization, or positive affirmations will ever get us to true happiness unless we put the results to practice. And I’m not talking about accomplishing our daily or monthly goals at the gym or what we’ve deposited into our savings accounts, or how effective we’ve become at work. Accomplishing these personal objectives may help us to feel better about ourselves, but they won’t ultimately allow us to reach the point of self-love because it’s the relationships we have with others–how we act with and react towards others–how we make them feel and how they make us feel, that will ultimately lead to us loving ourselves. It’s the feeling or the realization that we do have the ability to participate in meaningful and significant relationships with others and the unfolding of those interactions that leads to us loving ourselves. Love can’t exist for long in a vacuum. What’s to love there? Love is meant to be shared. The idea of saving up our love doesn’t work. I can’t even think of a way it can be put away for later or hoarded. If we’re not loving others, then we’re simply not loving at all.

Therefore, I suggest that learning to love others, and the acts of loving others, are what teach us to love ourselves, and if we wait to love ourselves before we try to love others, it will never happen…

In Someone Else's Shoes

Early last year, I had the privilege of spending a few months as a volunteer in Rwanda working with an organization called Gardens for Health, International. Their goal is to help groups of people with HIV learn how to independently and sustainably grow their own food with the idea that better nutrition will allow their retroviral drugs to be more effective. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life and I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to spend the time in such a beautiful part of Africa and meet so many remarkable people. As rewarding as it was, it was as equally heart wrenching to see the suffering since so many of the sick were also poverty stricken.

While I was there, I was fortunate enough to be staying in a lovely neighborhood and each morning I would walk part of the way to work before hailing a motorcycle taxi. Every morning, I would walk by a beautiful home on a hill and often, the housekeeper would be outside at the bottom of the hill sweeping the dirt from the driveway to the side of the road. Some days, if there had been a heavy rain, I would even see her sweeping the mud from the road in front of the house over to the side as well. It always reminded me of the quote by Mother Teresa: “If everyone swept their own doorstep the whole world would be clean.” Every single time I would walk by, she would wave and flash me a beautiful smile and say hello and good morning in Kinyarwandan: “Mwaramutse”, she would say and I would greet her back.

One day, I came home early and was walking up to the house where I was staying. Just as I reached the driveway, I heard something behind me and realized that the same woman had been following me. I stopped and waited for her to approach and as she did, she began to point to her mouth as if she was hungry. We could not speak to one another but I understood perfectly. As she got closer, I noticed that she was wearing a very-worn, thin, dirty and broken pair of flip-flops and that her feet were incredibly dry and cracked and a bit swollen. I remember thinking how painful they looked. I think she noticed me looking at her feet because she looked down at my shoes. I had only brought two pairs of shoes and a pair of sandals with me to Rwanda. The pair I was wearing was for everyday and they were very comfortable for walking; something that I was doing a lot. I had been wearing them for almost two months and my feet were very happy. I took off one of my shoes and she tried it on. It seemed to fit perfectly and the reaction on her face was as if she had never in her wildest dreams imagined that her foot could feel so good. Before I knew it, I had given her the other shoe. She looked at me as if she didn’t believe I was letting her have my shoes. Seriously, I never intended to give them away and the exchange happened without a second thought on my part. It actually felt a bit surreal at the time. She slipped on the second shoe and then raised her hands and looked towards the sky and with much emotion said thank you and went on reciting some things I did not understand. I smiled and said you’re welcome and gave her a big hug and she continued to get emotional and continued with her hand gestures and to say thank you as she walked away with my shoes. And I climbed the driveway and walked into the house barefoot with a smile on my face.

Later I thought that we don’t think about our feet when they’re comfortable, but their comfort certainly contributes to our overall sense of wellbeing. I thought about what it would be like to have to live out my days without shoes. It would have made my work incredibly difficult while I was in Rwanda. Many people throughout the world will never even get to experience the feeling of a comfortable pair of shoes. Maybe some have no need to, but there are many who do.

My feet weren’t quite as comfortable for the rest of my stay, but it didn’t bother me. I was happy that I put a smile on my friend’s face and made her feet feel good because she had been putting a smile on my face and making me feel good every morning when I passed by. And we both got a taste of what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes…

Just Imagine

The other day, I was on my computer at a coffee shop. There were two women sitting across the room from me at two separate tables. Suddenly, a woman walked in with her young son who, I’m guessing was three or four years old. While she placed her order at the counter, her son walked over to an empty table, pulled out a chair, dragged it over to one of the women seated alone, and sat down directly across from her at her table. The woman was astonished. He said hello to the woman and she smiled and laughed and asked the boy how he was. He then moved to the second woman and did the same thing with her. In fact, she taught him how to introduce himself to someone new and they had a very heartwarming and sweet moment before the boy’s mom came over to see what he was doing. After a few words, the mother and son left the coffee shop, leaving the three of us with big smiles on our faces.

Soon after, I said to the women, “We would probably never dream of doing that, would we?” They agreed. Most of us would never approach a stranger for fear of encroaching on their space, or interrupting their thoughts, or simply being afraid of what they might think. As children, we see each other as human beings, but as adults, we divide ourselves into countries, religions, organizations, teams, gangs, and groups. I’m not saying that this is always a bad thing. It can actually be a good thing when the goal is to unite people with common interests. But often, they set boundaries, highlight differences and perpetuate competition, resistance, and fear. Is it naïve to think about the human race as a single, cohesive group? I think so, but there’s nothing wrong with being naïve and in some ways, that’s exactly what John Lennon was doing in his song Imagine:

Imagine there’s no countries, it isn’t hard to do.

Nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too.

Imagine all the people living life in peace…

Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can.

No need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man.

Imagine all the people, sharing all the world.

You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will live as one…

I guess I am one of those dreamers, and I can’t help but Imagine…

Leading with Passion in Communities

I believe we all have something we’re passionate about. For some it may be music or art or fashion. For others it could be baseball or skiing or yoga. The possibilities are endless, but whatever your passion, it is likely something that inspires you, that can get you up in the morning, that you devote time and energy to and that brings you happiness.

To me this combination is a recipe for success and for friends of mine this is no exception. Over thirty-four years ago, Claire and Frank Criscuolo opened Claire’s Corner Copia, a vegetarian café in New Haven, CT. Growing up with garden fresh food and delicious made-from-scratch meals was something Claire came to appreciate when she went away to college, which is one of the things that inspired her and Frank to open the restaurant. Since then, they have been committed to using the highest quality, fresh ingredients in their dishes, including lots of organic produce and baking products. Over the years, they’ve improved upon their practices by removing trans fats from their tempting baked goods and taken a proactive approach to reducing their impact on the environment by installing energy saving appliances or by using environmentally friendly disposable items.

But one of the most fundamental and significant approaches they have taken over the years has been to establish strong and meaningful relationships, not only with their employees and customers but with groups and members of the local community. They offer an Artist in Residence program that allows local artists to showcase their work in the restaurant. They’ve raised and continue to raise thousands of dollars for many local charities and organizations including Aids Project New Haven, Alex’s Lemonade Stand, and All Our Kin and they provide space for organizations to display their literature to help raise awareness to these causes. You can see and hear all about this from Frank and Claire in the following video:

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself...” When you eat at Claire’s Corner Copia, you not only support a great vegetarian restaurant, you support meaningful and compassionate organizations who strive to improve the lives of individuals in the community - which is ultimately good for everyone.

Please visit Claire’s at 1000 Chapel Street in New Haven, CT. You can find more information at the website. You can also become a fan on Facebook and follow them on Twitter.

There are Angels Among Us

I’ve been on vacation in Southern Maine all week, visiting family that I haven’t seen in a few years. The other day, my Aunt Terry shared a story with me and my Mom about how she walked into a consignment shop called Heart’s Desire, in Saco, ME and asked the owner if she needed help. She explained that she didn’t want to get paid. She adores the shop and wanted to simply come in and help. At the time, the owner of the Heart’s Desire, Barbara, was facing challenges and was thinking of closing down. She saw my Aunt’s request as a sign that she should stay open. Please hear what they have to say below:

My Aunt helps out at the shop because she likes Barbara and her shop and because she enjoys the work. Barbara sees my Aunt as an angel with wings. I believe there are stories like these unfolding all around us on a daily basis - angels that are quietly blessing our lives with their acts of humanity. We just don’t hear enough about them. And I believe we should…

Community and Relationships

So many of us work on our inner selves because this is where true happiness and love reside. We read books on personal growth and learn to meditate, care for our health, recite positive affirmations, reflect, set goals, face our fears and learn to embrace failure. But we don’t live in vacuums, we are sharing the planet Earth with ~6 billion people. And a significant level of our growth arises from the influence these tools and exercises have on our relationships with others that then challenge us, teach us and allow us to evaluate our progress. It’s so much the events in our lives with people that catalyze our rate of growth. The plus side of this is that when we strengthen our relationships with each other, we create synergy and can all expand in positive ways.

Last weekend at the City Seed Farmer’s Market, I interviewed some members of this community, Nate and Joanna Price - owners of Nate’s Naturals. Nate has been making granola for almost twenty years and last year he and his wife Jo launched their business around it.

Their pride and love for their granola is exhibited in their enthusiasm at the market and in their product and they declare on their website that they’re “learning how to make a business out of doing something that we love”. I’m a huge fan of granola and theirs is one of the best I’ve ever had. But what impressed me even more with Nate and Jo was that this endeavor has become more about relationships with the local community than about making money. While in the past they were supporters of the local, whole foods movement, they are now active participants at the local farmer's markets and even purchase some of their ingredients like maple syrup and honey from local vendors. They are supporting the local community as their own business grows. This is what it’s all about. Whether in business or life in general, we grow when we are helping others to grow and collectively generate a strong foundation of support greater than any individual alone could ever create or maintain. Thank goodness for people who love to do what they do and thank goodness we’re here together. : )

Lunch With a Side of Gratitude

Gratitude. It’s not something given to us, it’s something that we give. It’s an attitude, a perspective on our Worlds. It allows us to weather the storms with more strength and grace, keeps us humble, and teaches us compassion. In her book, Simple Abundance, A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, Sarah Ban Breathnach says that “abundance and lack are parallel realities; everyday I make the choice of which one to inhabit.” Under gratitude’s influence, we focus on what we “have” rather than what we “have not”. The more grateful we are for where we are at a given moment, the richer our lives become. And a positive feedback loop develops whereby the better our lives become, the happier we get. I was at the farmer’s market on July 4^th and met Glen Colello, owner of Catch a Healthy Habit, a raw foods café in West Haven, CT. I stopped by there today for lunch and had their zucchini pasta. Very tasty. You can meet Glen in the video below and listen to his description of Café Gratitude in California.

Glen explains the dining experience that nourishes both the body and soul, thereby instilling in its customers the idea that they are special. And demonstrating a deep level of appreciation for what we have begins with us, within ourselves. Just imagine a World in which we all chose to elevate those we connect with everyday. I believe our greatest offering of gratitude would be for each other. I would like the “I Am Beautiful” to go, please…

What are You Afraid of?

I wouldn’t say that I have too many vices. Coffee, chocolate, and wine are what immediately come to mind and not much else. And actually in moderation, I would argue that they are not vices at all. Coffee is an everyday thing, while chocolate and wine I indulge in less frequently. So what is it about entering a wine shop, though, that makes many people uncomfortable? Is it the atmosphere or a perception that wine drinking is an elite sport and unless one knows what to look for, it can’t be appreciated? Years ago, I had a fear of wine shops : ) In truth, they were intimidating to me because of my own ignorance. But several things changed that. For one, I began to read about the basics of grapes and wine making, then I took a couple of classes and began to visit vineyards to taste wine whenever I had the opportunity. This helped tremendously and allowed me to learn exactly what I like in wine. In addition, I realized that wine really is an art and for many, a profession, and those passionate about wine were more than likely working with it on a daily basis and those authentically passionate souls were also teaching it to others. In class one night, the instructor made the statement, “Good wine is wine that you like.” True, many high priced wines are far superior to less expensive wines, but I’ve tried high-end wines in the past that I wasn’t crazy about while I’ve fallen in love with some inexpensive bottles. It truly is what you like. One particular wine shop that I’ve come to adore is the Wine Thief in New Haven, CT. The staff is knowledgeable, they make picking out wine fun, and they have a mission:

…”to ensure that every bottle of wine we sell is savored and enjoyed. If your wine selection fails to meet your expectations, simply return the unused portion for a complete refund.”

This takes the risk out of buying wine and keeps me coming back. With most visits to the Wine Thief, I’ll know the type of wine I’ll looking for, but not sure exactly which bottle to buy. Other times, I’ll walk in just start asking questions and they’re happy to walk me around some of the options. I visited the Wine Thief to buy wine for a 4^th of July barbecue. You can meet Robert Jordan in the video below who once again made my experience at their shop enjoyable and who recommended two wines that worked well that day.

So what’s the message in gratitude here? There are several. The most obvious is my appreciation of a nice glass of wine with dinner and to celebrate with friends. Second, we all have the choice to alleviate our fears by running towards them. Sometimes a fear originates from nothing more than a lack of understanding or knowledge. I’m grateful that I took the opportunity to learn something about wine. It eliminated the fear of entering wine shops, which I now see as fun and sometimes even an adventure. And I've met lots of people in the process. Third, people generally want to help and be of service and I found that to be true with the Wine Thief. They are leaders within this community, truly committed to their customers and I’m grateful to have them here in my back yard to provide an invaluable service to us all.

What are you grateful for?