It's How You Say it That Makes it Count

Every Wednesday morning, I commute to Boston to work for two days. I can never predict how heavy the traffic will be. Some days it takes me almost three hours to reach my destination and on others, I breeze right through in less than two hours. Either way, I have plenty of listening material so that my mind has been stretched by the time I get there. I get off exit 18, the Cambridge exit and usually have to wait to pass through several sets of lights to move forward. There’s usually lots of traffic here since there are several lanes that are merging from different exit ramps.

I’ll never forget my first day at this exit. The traffic was inching its way along and as I got closer to the first light, I noticed two men on different sides of the road. They appeared to be directing traffic. One of them, I noticed, was waving his arms and speaking with such passion and enthusiasm that I was instantly impressed. As I made my way past him, he said, “All right Connecticut, have a nice day!” And it put a huge smile on my face. The next day, driving passed again, I realized that he was collecting money for the homeless, so I made a donation. And every Wednesday and Thursday morning I would drive by, make a donation, and say hello. I eventually found out the man’s name is Gene and that he is not homeless, but that he’s been collecting money at that intersection for the homeless for 30 years. Over the last few months, I’ve been able to talk to Gene and see what a wonderful person he is. I love him dearly and this past Wednesday, when I told him so, he replied, ”It’s how you say it that makes it count.” Another big smile. He knew I meant it by the way I said it.

People can always tell when you mean what you say. Sometimes, words are just words that only take on real meaning when there is emotion to back them up. The words come from the head and the feelings from the heart and I think in many situations, it’s the emotional component of (or lack of) a phrase or word that is what we’re “hearing”. And he heard me loud and clear.

This is literally how I begin my days in Boston and sometimes I think that this is the real reason I go there–or at least that this short and sweet moment is meant to be. If it’s not, though, there is still no doubt that seeing Gene sets the stage for the rest of my day and has a ripple affect on my world. And hopefully his too.

That's Not My Job

One of my favorite things to do with the nice weather is to get in an early yoga class, then drive down the road to the local Starbuck’s to enjoy a cup of coffee or tea while I sit out on their great front patio and do my work. In fact, I’m sitting there right now writing this blog.

Less than five minutes ago, a woman that I’ve talked to here before on the patio was wiping down the table she was sitting at. Not only did she wipe down her table, but she went from empty table to table and cleaned them as well and she even wiped down mine as well. I offered to do it, but she did it anyway. She said, “I went in and asked them to wipe down the tables outside, but they were so busy that I asked for the towel and said I wouldn’t mind doing it myself.“

This may seem like a little thing, but to me, it’s not small at all. How many of us would offer to help do a job that wasn’t our responsibility rather than complaining that it wasn’t getting done? Wiping down the tables took about two minutes. The tables got cleaned, we’re both happy about that, and the generous act relieved someone who couldn’t walk away from what she was doing. This type of generosity bonds people and build a sense of community. It encourages people to be kind and helpful and to make every situation more pleasant. I think about how differently this situation could have turned out had she demanded that the tables be cleaned by an employee. It would have left a dark cloud on the patio. Instead, her attitude illuminated everything. It doesn’t take acts of heroism to make this happen–the little things really are the big things. And no job is too small or too beneath us. We’re all here together and making this world a better place is everyone’s job.

What's Your Angle?

The other day, I went to New York to see the Yankees play the Kansas City Royals. My mom is in love with Derek Jeter, so for Mother’s Day this year, we got her two tickets to see him (and his team) play. Since my dad didn’t want to go, she took me. I was thrilled to go because I wanted to see the new Yankee Stadium and it gave me a chance to hang out with Mom. Plus I feel that the experience of being at a game is so much different from watching it on TV.

We had planned that when we got there, we would have lunch and then enjoy the game. It was hot and sticky outside and I felt like having something light and refreshing, but all we could find were burgers, fries, pizza, etc., and there was at least an hour wait at the restaurants. So we settled on grilled vegetable paninis that were pretty good, just heavier than I had wanted. After we had finished eating, I spotted a woman with a clipboard. I walked up to her to ask her a question and also learned that she was taking a survey about the food. I thought, this is a great opportunity to tell her how I feel. Just as I was about to talk with her, another woman approached her in a very huffy manner and began complaining about the food and the management. I was a bit surprised by her attitude and even more surprised by how long she carried on with her tirade. The poor woman that was working didn’t know what to do and finally two other women working at a cart tried to come to her rescue. I waited patiently until finally the woman with the clipboard somehow made her exit, approached us, and apologized for the unpleasant exchange.

OK, it was my turn. She asked us about our meal and the service. I told her the food was good and that the service was good as well. Actually, the gentleman who served us made us laugh so we walked away from the counter with big smiles on our faces. In fact, everyone who worked there was helpful and pleasant and made us feel comfortable, but I’m digressing. I went on to explain to her that the food was fine, but that I would like to see more healthy options for food at the stadium. She then invited me to fill out the survey, which I did, and then we parted very pleasantly.

Later, I thought about the differences between my encounter with the woman taking surveys and the woman before me. Both of us were essentially saying that we would like things to be different, yet we did it in very different ways. The woman before me went on very aggressively about what she didn’t like and what she believed was wrong and she took every opportunity to be insulting. I didn’t do that at all. I had no reason to and I never would anyway. I simply suggested things that I would like to see on the menu. Judging from the reaction to my angle versus the other woman’s, I would say that in situations like these, a positive attitude is taken more seriously than a negative one. Yes, there are cases where it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease–but I believe it’s often to simply silence the squeak. I don't know what happened with the woman's complaint and I really don't want to. As for my suggestion, will I be purchasing fresh fruit smoothies and vegetable juices at Yankee Stadium someday? Don’t know. But I have no regrets filling out the survey and making the suggestions.

Random Acts of Kindness

The other morning, I walked into the yoga studio and the first thing I noticed was the big, beautiful sunflower in the picture. After class as I was walking out, I asked Laurie, the owner, “Would you mind if I took a picture of your sunflower?” “Of course”, she said, “do you know where it came from?” I asked her what she meant. She told me that it mysteriously appeared on the counter and she hasn’t been able to find out who put it there. I wasn’t surprised that it showed up, simply because Laurie and her partner Richard always make the effort to add personal touches and beautifying accents to the studio, such as fresh flowers and candles in the dressing rooms, beautiful photos on the walls, and inspiring quotes throughout the studio. Maybe the flower was someone’s way of saying thank you to them for caring about their customers. Or maybe it was put there “just because” the person knew that everyone who walked in would have the opportunity to enjoy it.

What would the world look like if everyone regularly performed random acts of kindness–expecting nothing in return? There are some people that do, probably because they get that the act itself is the gift back. As the Buddhist saying goes, “If you light a lamp for somebody else, it will also brighten your own path.” Freely and willingly giving to others opens our hearts, which in turn, lets more love in. This is just an example of the point I was trying to make in my blog about loving others as we learn to love ourselves. I believe these two forms of love grow simultaneously, and random acts of kindness are just one way to make this happen.

Loving Others as We Learn to Love Ourselves

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “To love others, we must first love ourselves.” And in some ways, I guess this is true. If we were to walk around despising ourselves, we wouldn’t be of much use to anyone else and we certainly wouldn’t be able to offer any sort of compassion, tenderness, or love. But the following has made me rethink this idea.

I’ve been reading, The Little Book of Letting Go, by Hugh Prather. It’s a very insightful book that explains how to free our minds from things such as worry and conflict, and it outlines a 30-day program with useful exercises to help achieve this. The other day, I read the following passage:

“Even when you pray, if you pray without love or connection, you may have a temporary sense of peace, but you will not touch the eternal peace within your heart. There is no kindness in first thinking of yourself, then trying to be kind to yourself alone. Love is not an act of isolation, and “loving yourself first” is not a step toward happiness. Your will never satisfactorily nurture just your own wounds or your own needs, because those concepts include no unity. Only what joins us to another can make us happy.”

I thought for a while after reading this and understood exactly what he was saying. No amount of praying, meditation, visualization, or positive affirmations will ever get us to true happiness unless we put the results to practice. And I’m not talking about accomplishing our daily or monthly goals at the gym or what we’ve deposited into our savings accounts, or how effective we’ve become at work. Accomplishing these personal objectives may help us to feel better about ourselves, but they won’t ultimately allow us to reach the point of self-love because it’s the relationships we have with others–how we act with and react towards others–how we make them feel and how they make us feel, that will ultimately lead to us loving ourselves. It’s the feeling or the realization that we do have the ability to participate in meaningful and significant relationships with others and the unfolding of those interactions that leads to us loving ourselves. Love can’t exist for long in a vacuum. What’s to love there? Love is meant to be shared. The idea of saving up our love doesn’t work. I can’t even think of a way it can be put away for later or hoarded. If we’re not loving others, then we’re simply not loving at all.

Therefore, I suggest that learning to love others, and the acts of loving others, are what teach us to love ourselves, and if we wait to love ourselves before we try to love others, it will never happen…

In Someone Else's Shoes

Early last year, I had the privilege of spending a few months as a volunteer in Rwanda working with an organization called Gardens for Health, International. Their goal is to help groups of people with HIV learn how to independently and sustainably grow their own food with the idea that better nutrition will allow their retroviral drugs to be more effective. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life and I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to spend the time in such a beautiful part of Africa and meet so many remarkable people. As rewarding as it was, it was as equally heart wrenching to see the suffering since so many of the sick were also poverty stricken.

While I was there, I was fortunate enough to be staying in a lovely neighborhood and each morning I would walk part of the way to work before hailing a motorcycle taxi. Every morning, I would walk by a beautiful home on a hill and often, the housekeeper would be outside at the bottom of the hill sweeping the dirt from the driveway to the side of the road. Some days, if there had been a heavy rain, I would even see her sweeping the mud from the road in front of the house over to the side as well. It always reminded me of the quote by Mother Teresa: “If everyone swept their own doorstep the whole world would be clean.” Every single time I would walk by, she would wave and flash me a beautiful smile and say hello and good morning in Kinyarwandan: “Mwaramutse”, she would say and I would greet her back.

One day, I came home early and was walking up to the house where I was staying. Just as I reached the driveway, I heard something behind me and realized that the same woman had been following me. I stopped and waited for her to approach and as she did, she began to point to her mouth as if she was hungry. We could not speak to one another but I understood perfectly. As she got closer, I noticed that she was wearing a very-worn, thin, dirty and broken pair of flip-flops and that her feet were incredibly dry and cracked and a bit swollen. I remember thinking how painful they looked. I think she noticed me looking at her feet because she looked down at my shoes. I had only brought two pairs of shoes and a pair of sandals with me to Rwanda. The pair I was wearing was for everyday and they were very comfortable for walking; something that I was doing a lot. I had been wearing them for almost two months and my feet were very happy. I took off one of my shoes and she tried it on. It seemed to fit perfectly and the reaction on her face was as if she had never in her wildest dreams imagined that her foot could feel so good. Before I knew it, I had given her the other shoe. She looked at me as if she didn’t believe I was letting her have my shoes. Seriously, I never intended to give them away and the exchange happened without a second thought on my part. It actually felt a bit surreal at the time. She slipped on the second shoe and then raised her hands and looked towards the sky and with much emotion said thank you and went on reciting some things I did not understand. I smiled and said you’re welcome and gave her a big hug and she continued to get emotional and continued with her hand gestures and to say thank you as she walked away with my shoes. And I climbed the driveway and walked into the house barefoot with a smile on my face.

Later I thought that we don’t think about our feet when they’re comfortable, but their comfort certainly contributes to our overall sense of wellbeing. I thought about what it would be like to have to live out my days without shoes. It would have made my work incredibly difficult while I was in Rwanda. Many people throughout the world will never even get to experience the feeling of a comfortable pair of shoes. Maybe some have no need to, but there are many who do.

My feet weren’t quite as comfortable for the rest of my stay, but it didn’t bother me. I was happy that I put a smile on my friend’s face and made her feet feel good because she had been putting a smile on my face and making me feel good every morning when I passed by. And we both got a taste of what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes…

The Personal Touch

The other day, I walked into a fairly large and busy post office to mail a package. I didn’t have a box so I chose one of the boxes available there, filled in the shipping information, then placed the items inside and got in the long line. The gentleman at the counter was busy at work trying to take care of all the customers as efficiently as possible and I could see how organized he was. When I got to the counter, I asked him if he could tape the box for me. He responded by saying, “Sorry, but we’re not allowed to tape boxes anymore, but there’s tape on the display that you can purchase.” I said, “Really?” I was a little surprised, but decided to return with the package because I had a roll of tape at home. The following day went by with me away so the package didn’t get mailed. The next day, with the package still in my car, I forgot my tape and decided that I had no excuse and would buy the tape when I got to the post office. On this particular day, though, I went to a small, mom and pop location that I pass almost everyday. I walked in, took a roll of tape from the display and approached the counter where there was no line. There was a gentleman there that greeted me. I said hello and that I just needed to tape up my box. He said, “Is this the only thing you need to tape? I can do that for you.” I said, “Really?” He grabbed his tape gun and taped up my box. I was very thankful because I understood that he didn’t have to do that for me. When we were finished, we both said goodbye and wished each other a nice day and I walked out with a smile on my face.

I thought about the differences in the two locations. Both are doing the same thing. One is large with lots of traffic where the need for efficiency seemed to be the biggest priority and the gentleman there was doing his job very well. The other is small with less traffic and although the man who served me was no less efficient, he was able to take the time to add a personal touch to his service. I believe in today’s fast-paced society, there is an even greater need for these types of interactions on a daily basis because most of us are absorbed in our own worlds, coasting on autopilot, often even ignoring the people around us. Many of us don’t understand that the smallest of actions for each other can make all the difference in how we feel, and feeling as if we’re making even the slightest difference can have a profound impact on our moods – they do for me, anyway. When I walked out of that little post office, I decided that from now on, I would take my business there. Not because the large location did anything wrong, but because I understand the value of the personal touch, which was definitely right.

Just Imagine

The other day, I was on my computer at a coffee shop. There were two women sitting across the room from me at two separate tables. Suddenly, a woman walked in with her young son who, I’m guessing was three or four years old. While she placed her order at the counter, her son walked over to an empty table, pulled out a chair, dragged it over to one of the women seated alone, and sat down directly across from her at her table. The woman was astonished. He said hello to the woman and she smiled and laughed and asked the boy how he was. He then moved to the second woman and did the same thing with her. In fact, she taught him how to introduce himself to someone new and they had a very heartwarming and sweet moment before the boy’s mom came over to see what he was doing. After a few words, the mother and son left the coffee shop, leaving the three of us with big smiles on our faces.

Soon after, I said to the women, “We would probably never dream of doing that, would we?” They agreed. Most of us would never approach a stranger for fear of encroaching on their space, or interrupting their thoughts, or simply being afraid of what they might think. As children, we see each other as human beings, but as adults, we divide ourselves into countries, religions, organizations, teams, gangs, and groups. I’m not saying that this is always a bad thing. It can actually be a good thing when the goal is to unite people with common interests. But often, they set boundaries, highlight differences and perpetuate competition, resistance, and fear. Is it naïve to think about the human race as a single, cohesive group? I think so, but there’s nothing wrong with being naïve and in some ways, that’s exactly what John Lennon was doing in his song Imagine:

Imagine there’s no countries, it isn’t hard to do.

Nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too.

Imagine all the people living life in peace…

Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can.

No need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man.

Imagine all the people, sharing all the world.

You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will live as one…

I guess I am one of those dreamers, and I can’t help but Imagine…

Interview with a Great Scientist

For almost three years, I’ve been practicing Bikram Yoga, a series of 26 postures that are performed in a very hot room. The experience has been a life-changing one for me. It has helped me to get into the best shape physically that I have ever been in my life and it has allowed me to move past so many of my self-imposed limitations. It has also introduced me to lots of great people who share the same values about their health and well-being. One such person is Francois Franceschi. You can meet him here:

Francois is a scientist who has spent most of his scientific career studying a structure in our cells called the ribosome. Without this large enzyme, our lives would not exist –neither would the lives of bacteria and it’s their ribosomes that are often targeted with antibiotics. For many years, Francois collaborated with Ada Yonath, another great scientist who is one of the recipients of the Nobel Prize in Chemistry this year and he made significant contributions into that work. In fact, even when it was believed that what they were trying to achieve was impossible, they never gave up, understanding that the reward would be well worth the risk of persevering. This work did finally pay off because of ingenuity and because the tools used to reach their goal became more sophisticated.

Today, Francois is still studying the ribosome, working for a company founded by a second Nobel Prize winner, Thomas Steitz (the third is Venkatraman Ramakrishnan). There, he works together with an outstanding group of people to further the studies on bacterial ribosomes in order to develop new drugs to treat infections against antibiotic-resistant bugs, which is a very real issue we face today.

Francois is one of those remarkable people whose passion and commitment to excellence is helping to improve the lives of us all. We know they’re out there when we see the fruits of their dedicated work show up and it’s even more of a blessing to personally know some of these great human beings who inspire others to follow their passions. Knowing Francois and practicing yoga with him is one of those rare opportunities for me. One for which I am truly grateful.

It's a Wonderful Life

One of my favorite movies of all time is “It’s a Wonderful Life” with the late and great Jimmy Stewart. It’s about a man who’s life, due to circumstances beyond his control, never unfolds exactly how he had planned, but who still lives out his days with integrity and intent. One day, he loses a very large sum of money and is so distraught over it that he wishes he had never lived and decides to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge into the icy, winter waters below. As he’s about to jump, he hears a cry for help and instead of jumping in to die, he jumps in to save someone’s life. He pulls a man named Clarence out of the water and doesn’t realize it, but Clarence is sent from above to show him exactly what sort of an impact his life has had on those around him, and ultimately the World. This dramatic revelation compels him to wish for his life back. In the end, people from near and far come to his rescue in an immense act of gratitude for his selfless contributions, compassion and belief and faith in the people whose lives he has touched.

We often don’t think about the impact we have on the lives of others. It’s difficult to predict the amount of influence we have from what we say or do, but whether it’s something positive or negative, it will almost certainly reach far beyond the initial encounter. If we want our lives to turn out wonderful, we need only to live with the intent of making the lives of those we intersect better. All it takes is kindness, compassion, understanding and love. Always the perfect gift, they are free to give if you are willing to open your heart and they are most welcomed by an open heart when they are returned. So don’t wait for the holiday season to think about gift giving. Do it now and do it always because you will never feel bad about making someone else feel good.

Reveal Your True Colors

It is Autumn in New England, my favorite time of the year. I love the cooler days, the season’s foods and the colors. For a very short time, vast landscapes of green turn vibrant shades of yellow, orange and red as the trees anticipate Winter and the leaves prepare to fall. We always say that the leaves are “changing” colors, but in reality, they are shedding their green. At night, the sugars made by the highly abundant green chlorophyll in the leaves normally travel into the tree, but as the cool weather arrives, this process is slowed so sugar production ends and the chlorophyll begins to break down. The disappearance of so much green actually reveals the beautiful colors that were there all along. And in the presence of bright sunshine, the sugars that remain in the leaves also helps to intensify them.

It sounds a lot like people. Afraid to stand out and be different, we play it safe by being green and blending in. What we don’t realize is that our greatest gifts to the World are revealed when we strip away the green - when we remove the mask of conformity. This is also when our lives become the most colorful and creative. This is when we are the most authentic, when our lives take on the most significance and when we are the most fulfilled. This is when we feel the most alive and when we most inspire others. And the more we remove the green, the brighter we become.

Every one of us has something to offer that makes us unique and special. Just think how much more colorful the World would be if we were all courageous enough to share it. Yet, so many people wait for the Autumn of their lives to shed their green and some never let their brilliance see the light of day. And that is a loss for all mankind. So for the sake of humanity and in the words of Cyndi Lauper: “don't be afraid to let them show; your true colors, true colors are beautiful like a rainbow.”

Leading with Passion in Communities

I believe we all have something we’re passionate about. For some it may be music or art or fashion. For others it could be baseball or skiing or yoga. The possibilities are endless, but whatever your passion, it is likely something that inspires you, that can get you up in the morning, that you devote time and energy to and that brings you happiness.

To me this combination is a recipe for success and for friends of mine this is no exception. Over thirty-four years ago, Claire and Frank Criscuolo opened Claire’s Corner Copia, a vegetarian café in New Haven, CT. Growing up with garden fresh food and delicious made-from-scratch meals was something Claire came to appreciate when she went away to college, which is one of the things that inspired her and Frank to open the restaurant. Since then, they have been committed to using the highest quality, fresh ingredients in their dishes, including lots of organic produce and baking products. Over the years, they’ve improved upon their practices by removing trans fats from their tempting baked goods and taken a proactive approach to reducing their impact on the environment by installing energy saving appliances or by using environmentally friendly disposable items.

But one of the most fundamental and significant approaches they have taken over the years has been to establish strong and meaningful relationships, not only with their employees and customers but with groups and members of the local community. They offer an Artist in Residence program that allows local artists to showcase their work in the restaurant. They’ve raised and continue to raise thousands of dollars for many local charities and organizations including Aids Project New Haven, Alex’s Lemonade Stand, and All Our Kin and they provide space for organizations to display their literature to help raise awareness to these causes. You can see and hear all about this from Frank and Claire in the following video:

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself...” When you eat at Claire’s Corner Copia, you not only support a great vegetarian restaurant, you support meaningful and compassionate organizations who strive to improve the lives of individuals in the community - which is ultimately good for everyone.

Please visit Claire’s at 1000 Chapel Street in New Haven, CT. You can find more information at the website. You can also become a fan on Facebook and follow them on Twitter.

The Power of a Smile

“Smile" is a beautiful song first recorded by Nat King Cole in 1955. The lyrics speak of the positive force a smile can have in the gloomiest of moments. And he was certainly on to something.

Research has shown that when we smile, the benefits are many. It triggers changes in brain biochemistry that elevate our moods. It strengthens our immune systems and lowers our blood pressure, making us healthier. And there is certainly nothing as attractive as someone with a beaming smile.

But what I find the most remarkable about this facial expression is the profound impact it can have on a recipient. I know how I feel when someone gives me a smile. I instantly feel more calm and at ease and at the same time energized. I feel a warmth in my chest and a lightness in my step. The World instantly looks better and I start to feel myself smile from the inside out. And when I smile at someone I’m passing on the street, I will almost always witness their facial muscles relax into one as well.

It’s been cited often that it takes many more muscles to frown than to smile. But one doctor concluded that more muscles are actually needed to smile but that it may require less effort.

An authentic smile is often spontaneous. It helps to break down barriers and creates a bond between people. It is a consequence of the outward flow of love through an open heart. It gives the recipient permission to share the other’s World. It signifies a generosity of spirit and a desire for peace that propagates itself and raises the energetic frequency of the Universe.

What's so wonderful about this is that we are all free to smile. It does not cost a thing. Yet every time each one of us does smile, I believe we are elevating the consciousness of humanity. And because we are all on this planet together, when we become committed to improving the lives of everyone we encounter, by default, we better our own lives.

There are many ways we can help each other, but I can’t thing of a single, more powerful, yet simple way to help achieve this goal, than with a smile.

: )

There are Angels Among Us

I’ve been on vacation in Southern Maine all week, visiting family that I haven’t seen in a few years. The other day, my Aunt Terry shared a story with me and my Mom about how she walked into a consignment shop called Heart’s Desire, in Saco, ME and asked the owner if she needed help. She explained that she didn’t want to get paid. She adores the shop and wanted to simply come in and help. At the time, the owner of the Heart’s Desire, Barbara, was facing challenges and was thinking of closing down. She saw my Aunt’s request as a sign that she should stay open. Please hear what they have to say below:

My Aunt helps out at the shop because she likes Barbara and her shop and because she enjoys the work. Barbara sees my Aunt as an angel with wings. I believe there are stories like these unfolding all around us on a daily basis - angels that are quietly blessing our lives with their acts of humanity. We just don’t hear enough about them. And I believe we should…